


we always wind up back where we started

by thepessimisticasshole



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:38:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5726632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepessimisticasshole/pseuds/thepessimisticasshole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's been two years. baz can't let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we always wind up back where we started

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: all characters belong to rainbow rowell

 

* * *

it’s a bitterly cold november day, with too sharp sunlight that makes the snow-frosted grass sparkle. the sky is starkly grey, and everything is too cold, too bright, too much-

“hello, darling.” his breath steams in front of him, curling through the soft snowfall. “i’ve not been here in a while, i know… i missed you.”

he pulls out a bouquet of roses, wound through with a silk ribbon.

“all of you. morning kisses, the smell of your soap…” he laughs quietly. “i’ve been using it too, you know. just so i could have a piece of you with me.

“i love you, you know that? i love talking to you, and… even though you never reply. i love you.”

his breath catches in his throat. “i miss you. every day. i-” he draws in a shuddering half-sob. “it’s so- it’s so hard to wake up every day and you’re not there, it’s so _hard_ \- i’m trying, though, because i know you’d never forgive me-”

he wipes at his eyes. “penny says… what i’m doing is unhealthy. because it’s been a few years. and i’m clinging onto the memory of you. that’s what- that’s how she says it. and.” he swallows the lump in his throat. “i think she’s right. i think- i have a box of your old clothes, and sometimes i wear your jumpers because it feels like i’m being surrounded by you and i can almost hear your voice…

"you’re telling me to move on. and i don’t- i _can’t_ accept that. i never stopped loving you.

"i will _always_ love you.”

he rubs a petal in his fingers absentmindedly, tears dripping down his cheeks. “you just- oh, my love, it wasn’t your time. we were supposed to have _more_ -” his voice breaks, and he sinks to his knees. “i still- it still hurts. so much. i just- i never- i never got to say goodbye-”

he chokes on a ragged sob. “i want you to come back, it’s not fair, _please_ -”

he feels a touch on his shoulder and whips around- maybe, finally, he’s heard what baz has been saying every day for the last two years- but it’s just penelope, bundled up in a winter coat. she looks like her heart is breaking.

“oh, basilton…”

“penny,” he whispers, “he’s not- oh, _merlin_ -”

she gathers him into a tight hug, rubbing his back, and he lets himself collapse into her. he can feel her tears in his hair. “sweetheart, you can’t keep going like this.”

“i miss him so much,” he says, and it feels like something inside of him is ripping. “every day, i just-”

and suddenly the arms around him are pale gold, dusted with freckles, strong and familiar and warm. “baz, love… you’ve been so strong, sweetheart, and it’s time for you to let go now. okay?” 

he knows he’s hallucinating, but it feels so real that he can’t help but gasp and start mumbling confessions and apologies- he feels the faintest brush of a kiss on his temple.

“i know it hurts, baby, but you’ve got to let go of me. i’m gone.”

and baz breaks down, entirely, like something in him snapped in half.

he _misses_ him.

he’s never going to stop.


End file.
